This blog post is a big one for me. It’s been thought about since November 6, 2014. I actually was supposed to write about it last month but I wasn’t ready emotionally to talk about it. I feel like if I write it out now that it will help me grasp the huge accomplishment that I conquered.
I have always struggled with my weight since I was around 9 or 10 years old. Heaviest out of my siblings and always the heaviest out of my friends. I knew it deep down inside of me at a young age but it was something I never wanted to talk about. I didn’t want to face reality. There was a moment when I was 16 that I lost over 100 lbs but I wasn’t healthy about it and ended up struggling with anorexia.
During that season was where my parents and I first saw true signs of serious depression. Thankfully I conquered anorexia but I ended up putting 90% of the weight back before I was 18. I was right back where I was before of being that heavy girl that had to mask everything. I was ashamed of myself, I couldn’t shop most of the stores my friends shopped at and if by a small chance I could shop there it would always be limited to a tiny corner of the store. I felt like people would judge me when I went out to eat. I couldn’t do anything physical, I blamed it on my knees but deep down the true reason I wasn’t going out was my fear of what my body would look. And I really didn’t want my picture being taken because that was my reminder of my reality. I even had my privative setting on Facebook not allowing people to add pictures of me before I ok’d them and I rarely did allow one to be posted. I was beyond ashamed of myself. Because of that I started pushing back and declining on the invites to go shopping, eating or even just hanging out. I tried to do something about trust me.
From ages 18-25, I was trying to lose weight and live a healthy life but everything I tried fail. Every diet, you name it I probably have tried it or some version of it. I gave up really on my weight loss journey when I was diagnosed with Kabuki Syndrome in 2013. There were other things that I had to deal with and come to grips with and my weight was on one of them. I would end up eating my frustrations and worries about Kabuki Syndrome. I ended up putting another 15 pounds on my already heavy frame by the time my 1 year anniversary came around summer of 2014. I was miserable, uncomfortable and not happy with the girl I was looking at in the mirror. People would say you must be so proud of how far you have come and everything you’re doing for Kabuki Syndrome. I would smile and say thanks but deep down I wasn’t proud of myself. There was still this girl that was staring at me in the mirror that I didn’t know. I still wasn’t quite ready to deal with reality.
August, September and October 2014 I think were the months were I was the most hardest on myself. I really didn’t know how I let myself get as heavy as I did. I knew I needed drastic change. My breakthrough moment happened actually when I spoke at a Kabuki event and the subject came about of the touchy subject weight with Kabuki kids and adults. Sitting there in that room a thought came over me “Jordan, what are you doing? These families are looking at you for an example for their kids. You could be this even bigger example if you got your health in line and lost some weight”. That was the moment that forever changed me. There was no denying of reality in that room. I was overweight and currently not putting myself first health wise. I cried many, many tears the next few days trying to come up with the courage to ask for help. 10 days from the event and I still was trying to come with the courage to speak out for help and believe it or not my knee went out and I was couch redden for the a few days.
I was on the couch on able to move and my dad spoke up “Jordan, I want to talk about something that may come as a sensative subject but hear me out. Your mom and I are concerned about your weight” the tears started flowing right there. This was my shot, this is what I was asking for and praying for. I was scared, nervous, sad, happy, and just about every emotion in between that. Thoughts filled my mind what if this is just like everything else I tried?, Why did I allow this to happen, How did this happen, So embarrassed that my parents had to come to me about my weight that I couldn’t even look them in the face when they were talking to me. But there was a thought that overrode every single one of those thoughts, “I have to do this for those precious kids. They deserve someone. I deserve this. This is my chance to change and if I didn’t take it I’d be the fool”. That night November 6th changed everything in my life. That next morning I made the call into someplace I never thought I would personally call. I always heard and saw their commercials and even sometimes joked about their goofy testimonials but this day was different. I made the call into Jenny Craig Weight Loss. I went in with my mom and my sponsor where we drew up a plan of attack. She asked me why I came into Jenny Craig and I remember looking at her with tears in my eyes “For some pretty special kids that I know are looking up to me and for me. It’s time to start caring about myself”.
I started my weight loss journey saying I would write about it at 50 lbs weight loss. I hit 50 last month. I celebrated with a special trip to Disneyland with my dad. Those who know me know about how special those trips to Disney with my dad. I was in denial about my weight loss. I didn’t know how to feel about my new body. It was beyond overwhelming. My Dad on the trip asked me why I hadn’t, written about my weight loss on here yet, it had been 50 lbs and I used share. I told him about my fears of opening up to you guys. What if once I share about my journey I start gaining everything back, What if 50 lbs isn’t a big enough accomplishment to share on here. My dad reassured me that 50 lbs was worth celebrating and talking about and that in time I would be ready to share with you all.
It’ll be 6 months since I started my journey with my weight next week. Yesterday I stepped on the scale to see that I hit 60 lbs. I have lost 6 dresses and jeans sizes. I am the smallest I have been in years. It’s been a journey that has had its ups and downs. . I am learning to love myself for the girl that is inside of me and not what makes me on the outside. I still have a long way to fully accept myself but I am making those changes and taking it day by day. One day I’ll love the girl in the mirror just like everyone in my life already does. In getting Jordan back, the girl that was always there but was hiding ashamed at who is was. During these last 6 months I have learned that the person I was looking for was always there. That I was something worth caring for, I stopped caring for years and let myself hide from reality. I have learned that beauty doesn’t matter what you weigh, what size you or anything. Beauty comes from the heart and that’s where you shine the brightest. It’s what makes the person who they are and not their outward appearance. I have had that said to me so many times over the years but never took it to heart till I started this journey. There are no truer words spoken. And for the very first time in a long, long time I’m proud of myself for everything I have accomplished not only just my weight loss but everything that I have overcome and still fighting for. There are tears forming as I sit here at write this paragraph.
I want to thank you all for allowing me to pour out my heart to you guys once again. For listening to my heart and what I’m walking through in life. This is exactly what I wanted Kabuki Unfiltered to be. Some place to be open, honest and real with you guys. Something that I really struggled with before I started this blog. That we all have our own battles that we battle daily but it’s where we are completely honest with one another that we start winning the fight. We are broken and not perfect by any means. I guess that is why I love my Jesus. He sees us our brokenness, failures and weakness and still wants us. He doesn’t care what I am struggling with but just me as I am. He is what makes me hopeful. In heaven is where I will be complete, pain free, worry free, depression and anxiety will be completely lifted. I can’t wait for the beautiful day but until that day I will be here on this earth fighting my battles until my Savior calls me home. So in everything I do today I live my life to the fullest because who knows what tomorrow will bring. Beautifully broken that’s what we are all.
Until next Time- Be Blessed,
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